They say before you die—your life flashes before your eyes. Every year leading up to the anniversary of Marty’s death….I experience Flashes of our life together before my eyes. Weird, it’s not memories because I think about him every day…a song comes on the radio, things Meg has told me, seeing what amazing men his boys have become, stupid things that happen to me, and even my life with Marc who he never met… these are things that I would love to pick up the phone and share with him. I’m pretty sure with all my years of study of the English language, that the emptiness of him not being here that pierces my heart—is called grief.
But this is different. And it happens to me every October. Flashes. A moment in time of the 27 years of memories I had with him. (That’s how old I was when he died.). Like I said it’s not a memory, it’s a Flash … Hard to describe—even for someone who is never at a loss for words. Perhaps my LOST friends will understand….but let me try…
Okay so it’s not the big things—graduations, births, birthdays, weddings, or sitting in the ICU saying goodbye to him. It’s little, subtle, it’s a feeling. Like tonight. I came home from work in a foul mood all day. And finally I just sat down and cried. Marc asked what’s wrong? I said “nothing” and he said “seriously, you’re crying”, and I said tomorrow’s the anniversary of Marty’s death…and he said “oh.” Like he didn’t even want to go there. But, he did give me a hug and say "I'm sorry. I know how much you loved him."
It was a similar look and reaction I got earlier today with my co-worker when she asked me if something was wrong because I had been melancholy all day and starting crying when we were shopping for the office in Wal-Mart. I really think she thought I was crazy. I mean who cries in Wal-Mart with all these low prices?!
When she questioned me about my state, I said “oh tomorrow is just the anniversary of my brother’s death.” She’s new…and from the expression her face, I don’t think she was prepared for that response, and she said, “I’m sorry. How long has it been?” I said, “13 years…(sigh and pause).” She gave me a puzzled look. I think she expected me to say a much sorter time.
Okay trust me, I know it’s been 13 years. And, I’m over it…I’ve spent many hours on a therapist’s couch and am definitely at the “acceptance stage.”
But, what she didn’t know was I had a “Flash” in Wal-Mart. Walking past the Halloween decorations and costumes. I saw a princess costume, had “Flash” which prompted my crying… What happened was I suddenly was Flashed to the two of us sitting in the living room of our house on Allien Ave. with our haul from Halloween candy and we were trading ..like we use to do when we were kids…me in my princess outfit…Marty in his superhero outfit (mom made him the cape!). But here is the FLASH part…
We weren’t kids…I was 41 (like I am now) and Marty was 48 (like he would be) and we were just normal…Having a conversation that adults have: “I will trade you a snickers bar for a reeses peanut butter cup”—our childhood favorite trade. (Okay laugh now at the two of us in those outfits at our age or even at 6 years old+!). Mundane. Like he was still a part of my life. A feeling …that he never has left me. It was real. We were there together today; trading candy!
The same thing happened tonight when I got home. Flashes! Marc was copying music on our I-Tunes because our computer recently crashed and we lost all our music…All of a sudden Tiny Dancer by Elton John played, I LOVED Elton John when I was a kid and so did Marty. I remember the one Christmas we both got Elton John Albums….I’m pretty sure it was Madman Across the Water…and we went wild!!! And I remember that Marty was mad because I got a poster too! And, while this is a strong memory in my life with Marty, at that moment, hearing that song….I was just sitting there, painting my nails….mundane…And, instead of Marc looking at me, it was Marty, saying "I love this song" as "Tiny Dancer”played in the background.
Make sense??
Next song Jamaica Jerk Off….
When she gets up in the morning
It's enough to wake the dead
Oh she turning on the radio
And dancing on my head
It's no good living in the sun
Playing guitar all day
Boogalooing with my friends
In that erotic way
Come on Jamaica
In Jamaica all day
Dancing with your darling
Do Jamaica jerk-off that way
Come on Jamaica
Everybody say
We're all happy in Jamaica
Do Jamaica Jerk-off that way
I was married in Jamaica. A "Flash" of Marty was there with me that day, too. Conscience?
I love you Marty. Always and Forever!
RIP Marty A. Somerville. January 27, 1962-October 27, 1997.
