Any Given Sunday

I love the Cleveland Browns. As Terry Pluto points out in his recent book Things I’ve learned from watching the Browns, this love is “completely, utterly irrational! If you were born after 1960…being a Browns fan makes no sense. None. Zero.” But, despite that, as his book chronicles, anyone’s love affair with the Browns is far beyond what they do on the field. If you’re a Browns fan you know that. Despite the endless Sundays that you’ve waited, hoped, and believed, you know that alas...you will have your heartbroken. My 18^th birthday was 1/11/87—we’ll get to that in a moment.

According to my mother, my love affair with football started in the womb. My uncle, Ray Somerville, was a senior starter on Cleveland’s Notre Dame Cathedral Latin’s football team in the fall of 1968 and my mother attended and cheered on every game with me growing in her belly. She is right. There really can be no other explanation. I was raised by a single mom (who outside of cheering on these games, could care less about football) and beyond Ray, I had no older brothers who played the sport or anyone who took me to games as a child. Yet, somehow, I grew into this rabid football fan.

I really can’t pin-point the day, time or place that I decided that this was my sport. And, my friends from high school will testify to my love for college football (especially Doug Flutie and his amazing BU “Hail Mary” pass to defeat the Hurricanes quarterbacked by future Brown, Bernie Kosar). I followed every college team, watched all the bowl games and even the Heisman Trophy ceremonies—which I still do today.

Of course, my true love was the NFL but, I knew, even at a young age, that watching college games was important. These were the future stars of the NFL who were playing their hearts out for no other reason than to make it big someday. This was pure football in my eyes and I loved (and still do) every minute of it.

Nor can I really pin-point the day I became a Cleveland Browns fan. But considering I remember Red Right 88 (I was 11) and my devotion to the Kardiac Kids (junior high)--it was pretty early on.

My love was deep. Like college football on Saturday, every Sunday, I followed every NFL team in the league. The quarterback was always key to me. (chicks dig the long ball—I know baseball reference but it still applies! Really anyone who can throw a spiral down the field melts my heart) The quarterback, in my opinion, makes or breaks a team. Eventually, Joe Montana would become my absolute favorite player in the league. Ironic. How many quarterbacks have the Browns had? Especially since “The Move.”

Maybe it was just simply rooting for the home team that made me a Browns fan? Or it could be the fact that my mom was a barmaid and I spent a lot of my childhood in the bar owned by my Uncle Ray watching football. Or was it that he knew Tom Cousineau and other players in the league, including Browns players, who would sometimes visit the bar and eventually our house? Who knows? One thing I do know is that even when I picked “my team”—I knew the Browns were not very good; but nonetheless, I watched and cheered for them every week by my calculations for 30+ years.

Maybe it was just bad DNA? In that case, I have passed on this genetic defect of loving the Browns on to my daughter—taking her several Browns games, including a trip to the Browns-Steelers game (in the Dawg Pound) when she was 12! Her father was livid at first—but he, too, is a Browns fan so he understood. When my daughter selected colleges a few years ago, the quality of the football team was equally as important as the quality of the program. She chose OSU and she’s a pre-vet major, so I think she made a good choice on both fronts.

I enjoyed reading Pluto’s book on Christmas (which my daughter bought me and was my favorite gift) and identified with every chapter. But, I still wondered why? Why am I a Browns fan? And, why did I have plans to attend a December game, the day after Christmas no less? He was right...being a Browns fan made NO SENSE!

For starters, I hate any weather condition under 70 degrees (I actually wear a sweater when it is that cold out) and wouldn’t dream of going out of my house on a day like I was preparing. Cold as hell, 20+ degrees and snow!! And, the wind, wicked! I live on Lake Erie so when I went to pick up the newspaper in the morning and felt the piercing cold winds, which left me breathless, I knew what was in store and thought WTF am I thinking?

But I walked back in the house and still could NOT wait to head down to Cleveland Browns stadium with my daughter, in my new Browns Santa hat and our new matching Browns jackets to freeze my A** off and watch the Browns which I know would lose! Why?

Well a few reasons. For starters I was invited by the Cleveland Browns to be part of the gauntlet as the players entered the field. That’s right, on field at Cleveland Browns Stadium! Wild horses could have kept me from that opportunity—especially with my daughter! And, that might have been one of the coolest things I’ve ever been apart of—outside of being asked to participate in the coin toss earlier this year! Then something truly magical happened. And, I knew I was destined to be there that day.

Marty’s youngest son, Andy (aka A.J.) and his beautiful bride to be April were also at the game. I knew this because we had chatted about it earlier this week on Facebook. So we texted them and told them to come over to our seats which they did.

Marty and I attended so many Browns games together and shared a deep love of the Browns! Okay, maybe he didn’t love the Browns? But I know he knew I did. And, as we all complained about the cold, I recounted for AJ and April, the story of my 18^th birthday--1/11/87—coldest game I’ve ever been to! In Browns’ history, it’s known as “The Drive.” I was happy to realize that AJ and April needed no other explanation of”The Drive” and that I had some Browns fans on my hands.

I did explain, however, how his father waited for hours (perhaps overnight, I don’t recall) outside of Cleveland Browns Stadium in the freezing cold to get tickets for me because that is all I wanted for my birthday. (There was no online ordering then!).

And, how we planned the PERFECT day. Fates aligned, It was my 18^th birthday. We were going to go to the game and then come back to Allien to have a wonderful feast (prepared by those who couldn’t to brave the cold or weren’t lucky enough to get tickets) and celebrate the Browns victory and my birthday. And of course, plan our trip to the Super Bowl--we were all going!.

It didn’t go that way, of course. NO ONE came to celebrate. Everyone went home. We were all numb. And not from the cold. My birthday ruined. It was probably the biggest Cleveland Browns heartache I ever felt besides The Move!

I recounted to AJ that I never heard such COLD CRISP SILENCE walking out of the old Browns stadium. Really it was eerie...80,000+ people and DEAD SILENCE. We were all so stunned. One minute we were going to the Super Bowl...We were really going and then "The Drive". I told him it was like a funeral march—sadly something AJ knew firsthand about. I will never, ever forget it.

In fact, when I first met Brian Brennan many years ago, I walked up to him and said, “you were a great player and I enjoyed watching all those years, but you know, you and the Cleveland Browns ruined my 18^th birthday! But I’m still a die-hard fan” He said, “How did we do that?” I replied, “My 18^th birthday was 1/11/87.” His face went still and he replied, “I’m sorry. You’re right. That would have ruined your day.” True Story!

For years, like so many Browns fan, 1/11/87 IS my WORST Cleveland Browns memory. But, today, sharing that story with Marty’s son and knowing that he probably never got to share that story with his son, it was an awesome experience to re-live!

Today, I walked out Cleveland Browns stadium with AJ and April, after another Browns defeat. And, as I kissed AJ and April goodbye, I felt the warmth of an angel on my shoulder. The cold suddenly went away. I was there with Marty’s boy at a Browns game! It warmed my heart. And, suddenly being a Cleveland Browns fan did not seem irrational or utter nonsense. It all had meaning.

About me…

So, there seems to be some confusion about me and rightly so. To set the record straight, I am an only child. And, so when I wrote my recent blog about my “brother” Marty there were many who said WTF? I thought you were an only child? And, technically you are right.

However, a bit about me. I was born to Donna Somerville, the 4^th oldest of Ruth and Ray Somerville of the legendary family from Westpark, Ohio with 13 kids. My mom was 21 years old when she had me. Unwed and NO plans what so ever to marry or even involve my father in my life. To this day, he knows nothing about me; we’ve never spoken; we’ve never met; and, in fact, to my knowledge he has NO idea I even exist—let alone that I’m a girl or that I have a beautiful and amazing 21 year-old-daughter, Meghanne, which I consider truly the greatest accomplishment of my life. He knows nothing about me and I don’t even have his name.

Instead, I’m a Somerville—through and through. I’m so proud of that fact that personally and professionally my name has ALWAYS been and always will be Sharon Somerville with an added last name—first McGuire and now Boyes.

In 1969, when I was born, being a single parent was not the norm and coupled with the fact that my mother—well… had issues and still does. My grandparents, Ruth & Ray, took me in and raised me as their own. At the time of my birth 10 of their 13 kids still lived under their roof and Marty was in kindergarten, Peggy 10 years old, Annie 11 and the remainder of the kids up Ray (7^th oldest) were under the age of 18. So yes, I was just another baby in the house and treated as such. I was number 14. There was no distinction. I was just another Somerville under the roof of Allien Ave.

My grandparents cared for me like their own and honestly, although I knew I had a different “mother,” since my mother was hospitalize for much of my early years for her mental illness which she still battles today, I don’t think I realized she was my “mom” until I was five years old when she took me out of the house to live with her, my “aunt” Patty and her daughter, my “sister” Michelle. Michelle was also another “niece” raised in the Somerville household. In fact, I know I didn’t fully realize this fact, until my grandparents both died in 1977 and 1978 respectively, and Michelle moved to Florida with her “parents.”

For the record. I LOVE my real mom, Donna, and will until the day she dies—and sadly, I know for a FACT that I will be the one to bury her given her fragile mental state. I am so fortunate to have had a few really good years with her and right now she is in a good place and we have a good relationship. I cherish that every day. But, I’m a realist.

My point is this. There is an old African saying that “it takes a village to raise a child.” And, I was so blessed to be born into the village of the Somervilles….they really did rally around me to raise me as a family—and that family cannot be defined by traditional words like “sister,” “brother,” “niece,” etc.”. I will always consider, Peggy, Annie, Ruthie, Marian, Karen and especially my beloved sweet Michelle to be my sisters. Patty & Jim to be my second parents, who took me in when I had terrible postpartum depression with Meg; Ray, Jerry and Timmy who were those father figures I never had. JoAnne, who took me in to her home, the oldest, pillar of strength, an amazing guiding force in my life. And, I will always & forever, to the day I die, consider Marty to be my brother—in the truest sense of the word.—because he was and always will be. For those of you who have read my blog…he was my everything and made me the person I’ve become…I am so grateful for my life thanks to him....and you don’t even know the half of the story.

Thanks for reading.

Flashes Before Your Eyes

They say before you die—your life flashes before your eyes. Every year leading up to the anniversary of Marty’s death….I experience Flashes of our life together before my eyes. Weird, it’s not memories because I think about him every day…a song comes on the radio, things Meg has told me, seeing what amazing men his boys have become, stupid things that happen to me, and even my life with Marc who he never met… these are things that I would love to pick up the phone and share with him. I’m pretty sure with all my years of study of the English language, that the emptiness of him not being here that pierces my heart—is called grief.

But this is different. And it happens to me every October. Flashes. A moment in time of the 27 years of memories I had with him. (That’s how old I was when he died.). Like I said it’s not a memory, it’s a Flash … Hard to describe—even for someone who is never at a loss for words. Perhaps my LOST friends will understand….but let me try…

Okay so it’s not the big things—graduations, births, birthdays, weddings, or sitting in the ICU saying goodbye to him. It’s little, subtle, it’s a feeling. Like tonight. I came home from work in a foul mood all day. And finally I just sat down and cried. Marc asked what’s wrong? I said “nothing” and he said “seriously, you’re crying”, and I said tomorrow’s the anniversary of Marty’s death…and he said “oh.” Like he didn’t even want to go there. But, he did give me a hug and say "I'm sorry. I know how much you loved him."

It was a similar look and reaction I got earlier today with my co-worker when she asked me if something was wrong because I had been melancholy all day and starting crying when we were shopping for the office in Wal-Mart. I really think she thought I was crazy. I mean who cries in Wal-Mart with all these low prices?!

When she questioned me about my state, I said “oh tomorrow is just the anniversary of my brother’s death.” She’s new…and from the expression her face, I don’t think she was prepared for that response, and she said, “I’m sorry. How long has it been?” I said, “13 years…(sigh and pause).” She gave me a puzzled look. I think she expected me to say a much sorter time.

Okay trust me, I know it’s been 13 years. And, I’m over it…I’ve spent many hours on a therapist’s couch and am definitely at the “acceptance stage.”

But, what she didn’t know was I had a “Flash” in Wal-Mart. Walking past the Halloween decorations and costumes. I saw a princess costume, had “Flash” which prompted my crying… What happened was I suddenly was Flashed to the two of us sitting in the living room of our house on Allien Ave. with our haul from Halloween candy and we were trading ..like we use to do when we were kids…me in my princess outfit…Marty in his superhero outfit (mom made him the cape!). But here is the FLASH part…

We weren’t kids…I was 41 (like I am now) and Marty was 48 (like he would be) and we were just normal…Having a conversation that adults have: “I will trade you a snickers bar for a reeses peanut butter cup”—our childhood favorite trade. (Okay laugh now at the two of us in those outfits at our age or even at 6 years old+!). Mundane. Like he was still a part of my life. A feeling …that he never has left me. It was real. We were there together today; trading candy!

The same thing happened tonight when I got home. Flashes! Marc was copying music on our I-Tunes because our computer recently crashed and we lost all our music…All of a sudden Tiny Dancer by Elton John played, I LOVED Elton John when I was a kid and so did Marty. I remember the one Christmas we both got Elton John Albums….I’m pretty sure it was Madman Across the Water…and we went wild!!! And I remember that Marty was mad because I got a poster too! And, while this is a strong memory in my life with Marty, at that moment, hearing that song….I was just sitting there, painting my nails….mundane…And, instead of Marc looking at me, it was Marty, saying "I love this song" as "Tiny Dancer”played in the background.

Make sense??

Next song Jamaica Jerk Off….

When she gets up in the morning

It's enough to wake the dead
Oh she turning on the radio
And dancing on my head

It's no good living in the sun
Playing guitar all day
Boogalooing with my friends
In that erotic way

Come on Jamaica
In Jamaica all day
Dancing with your darling
Do Jamaica jerk-off that way

Come on Jamaica
Everybody say
We're all happy in Jamaica
Do Jamaica Jerk-off that way

I was married in Jamaica. A "Flash" of Marty was there with me that day, too. Conscience?

I love you Marty. Always and Forever!

RIP Marty A. Somerville. January 27, 1962-October 27, 1997.

Happy Father's Day

So father’s day, like mother’s day, is an awesome holiday. Celebrating your parents! The people who bore you, loved you and nurtured you. They rock! Or so I’ve been told. I’ve never had the joy of celebrating father’s day and sometimes mother’s day…I hate father’s day. Of course, I’m a mom, so I appreciate the day to be celebrated as a mom, but my mother…well issues. Don’t get me wrong. I love my mother. But, we have many, many issues. And, some years have been good and some not so good.

But, father’s day. It has ALWAYS sucked for me. It’s the day I’m reminded that I don’t have one. My father took off before I was born…didn’t even stick around to find out if I was a girl or a boy…We’ve never met. He knows nothing about me. He doesn’t even know my name. But I know his.

I’ve often thought about looking him up and with the internet, I know EXACTLY who he is and where he lives. But, I’ve never taken that step to contact him. Why? Because quite honestly I don’t think I could handle the rejection AGAIN. Clearly, he wants nothing to do with me…or he would have found me. I still go by the use the name Somerville. (initially hyphenated with my married name, and now it’s officially my middle name). I’m proud to be a Somerville and always will. And, I’ve never strayed from the Westpark area of Cleveland. Sure, I moved to River and then Avon Lake, but I’ve never left the area. His loss and worse, he lost out on the GREATEST thing I ever accomplished, his granddaughter, Meghanne.

But despite the fact that my father is a total asshole—no I’m not bitter. I’ve been lucky to have several wonderful “fathers” in my life. First my grandfather, (read my blog “I Named Him Marley Anyways” about my grandfather—more to come about him), my uncle Ray—who is AWESOME, my “brother” Marty, whose boys have grown into to amazing men, despite the fact that he left them way too early, my ex-husband Gordon, who is an great father to Meg, and of course, my husband, Marc, who adores his boys more than anything. One of the things I fell in love with Marc was what a great father he was. I love this quality in men, since my father was a total turd.

So happy Father’s Day to all those who have chosen to be a “FATHER” and a big F-U to the too many deadbeat dads that are out there.

Summer Vacation

It amazes me when I meet fellow Clevelanders who have NEVER been to Cedar Point. In fact, when I was dating my husband (also a native Clevelander) , we took our three children (at the time ages 10, 8 and 6 ) to Put-In-Bay for the day, and upon leaving, I suggested that we should stop at Cedar Point on the way home (it’s cheap after 5 p.m.). The end to the perfect day on Lake Erie. I was shocked to learn that he (nor his children) had NEVER been there! Upon hearing this news, of course, we made a stop at America’s Roller Coast and had a fabulous time.

Growing up I came from a family with a ton of kids (13+ plus including me) so “family vacations” to the places I took my kid, as a single mom, (Outer Banks, Virginia Beach, Disney World, Miami, Bahamas, Punta Cana,) were never in our future. Instead the annual trip to the Local 120 Pipefitters Picnic at Cedar Point was our summer vacation. And, despite the “local” venue, we were just as excited! We marked this day on our calendar, counted down the days until it got there and of course, like Christmas, didn’t sleep the night before.

The drive to Cedar Point was also one of the most thrilling parts of our “vacation.” Hard to believe but when I was young I-90 didn’t exist! So, it was like a 2-hour trip to get to Cedar Point and you had to take Route 6 (Lake Road) the whole way there.

Lake Road. The endless steam of beautiful homes on the LAKE (and not the kind you see now—which have been raised to build modern colossal mansions that “celebrity” athletes live in or people with a butt-load of cash; Big Z and Mo Williams of the CAVS are my neighbors now along with Indians Player, Travis Hafner). They were the “classic” homes, the kind you dreamed of living in and could envision your family actually calling “home”. They were within your reach. Something to aspire to if you decided to be a doctor, lawyer or mogul of industry. (some of these homes still exist, but sadly they are becoming a thing of the past)

So, in addition to “punch buggy”, the “license plate game” and singing “99 bottles of beer on the wall” (a classic children’s sing-a-long) picking out our house on Lake Road was a game we all played.

So imagine my excitement when I got my first Lake Road address. The first home I owned was in the “low rent district” on Lake Road in Rocky River (I like to call it my Baltic Ave/Lake Road House). I was so proud of that home and delighted in the fact that I while it wasn’t on THE LAKE, I had a Lake Road address and I could actually afford it. I arrived. Stupid really, petty and materialistic but nonetheless it meant a great deal to me at the time. (I was only 26).

All those years of living in River, and walking my dog every night along the shores of Lake Erie, I realized I was a water person and was bound and determined to someday get my “real” Lake House.

So my second home, that I bought three years ago, while not a Lake Road address, the address wasn’t important as it was for my first home, is actually on the Lake and I have a Lake view from 90% rooms of my house. No longer proud; I cherish every moment I live here. After 3 years, I still wake up every day and pinch myself that this is my home. Each day, I thank God that I’m fortunate enough to live here and say a pray for all those who helped me achieve my dream.

Of course one of those people is Marty. Fondly, one of the Best Memories I have of Marty is our annual summer vacation to Cedar Point the year I found out I was pregnant with Meg. It was days after I had the conversation with Marty about “adopting” my baby (see blog “raised by another”). At this point I hadn’t told anyone in our family or circle of friends that we would see about my “situation”. I almost didn’t go because of course, roller coasters were out of the question and how was I going to explain that I didn’t want to ride when EVERYONE knew I was the first in line?

So when I arrived Marty announced to our usual “group” of riders that him and I would catch up with them later, as both of us were out the night before and we were really hung-over and would need some time recover before we hit the big rides (everyone looked at us...what were they thinking the night before the Pipefitters Picnic!). A brilliant cover considering that several people witnessed the toll morning sickness was taking on me.

Marty hung -out and stayed behind with me the whole day. 12+ hours of just me & him—despite the fact that his wife and young children were there. We talked, and talked and talked, ate our way through the park (yum...chocolate covered bananas!), dodged the right people, and rode the appropriate rides. At the end of the day we finally caught-up with everyone for the last ride of the night: the “Iron Dragon”— thankfully a pregnant woman safe ride. As I lowered the shoulder harness, I looked over at Marty and said “if you promise me you will help me achieve all my dreams, I think I can do this, I’m going to keep my baby.” Of course, he said yes. And strapped in, we took off on the ride.

Raised by Another

I went to Marty’s the minute I got home from Dayton. Crap…what the hell were we going to do? But, he promised that he had the answer and that he would help me.

I was so nervous on the drive over there. How could I screw up like this? How could I have been so stupid? A smart, ambitious girl like me didn’t let something like this happen. I ruined everything! How was I going to tell everyone? What would they think of me? What the hell was I going to do?

But, despite my anxiety, I knew that Marty would have the answer. I trusted him. He loved me unconditionally and would never judge me. And, after all, the same thing happened to him and for that matter a few other people in my family. Actually, I was more concerned that that would give me the obvious answer, Gordon & I would get married, have the baby and life would go on. That plan worked for everyone else (Patty, Marian, Marty, and my mom (okay she missed a step). But, I was different and I wasn’t sure that was the best solution for me. Plus, everyone had hopes, dreams, and expectations of me. And, I had those for myself.

By the end of my freshman year at Dayton, I had gotten anorexic-like skinny (no freshman 15 for me!). Instead the stress of losing my step-father to suicide a month before I left for school and my mother’s legal troubles (subject for another blog) began my lifelong stomach and digestion issues which didn’t allow me to eat much of anything without getting violently ill. (sadly in my 30s and 40s this totally screwed my metabolism and despite hitting the gym several times a week…well.) Plus, I was 19 and benefited from a youthful metabolism that was fueled by 7 months of not drinking, eating right, and exercising daily. Then add to that, two solid months of morning sickness (okay given my stomach issues, all day sickness) and more stress of being pregnant. I’m 5’8 ½ and by the end of my freshman year, at two months pregnant, I only weighed 110 lbs.

By the time I got to Marty’s, he said, “are you sure you’re pregnant? You look like shit! When was the last time you ate?” I said “months” and then with tearing streaming down my face; he swallowed my skeletal frame into his teddy bear body and all I could say was “I’m so sorry. I totally fucked-up!”

He let go and said, “well what are you going to do?” I stood there; I didn’t expect a question! I expected an answer or at the very least advice. I waited. Nothing. So, finally I broke the stare and silence and said, “for the first time in my life, I have NO idea.” “Well, what do you want to do?” he said. Again, I said “for the first time in my life, I have NO idea.” I’m pretty sure I added, “I have no fucking idea.”

We went inside. And, much to my surprise he didn’t have the answers. We talked for hours, about my beliefs, my thoughts, my fears, my dreams, etc. He questioned my beliefs, (were they genuine? after all I had a good Catholic upbringing and I was taught abortion was the most evil word in the English language) and reviewed my ambitions and my vision for the future (are you 100% sure a baby couldn’t fit in?) He also asked me who else in the family knew. Of course, he was the only one I told. And, at the end of the day, we still didn’t have any answers or any plans, he stuck firmly to his guns that this was my decision, not his; He wasn’t’ going to tell me what to do—but wasn’t that why I was here???? What we did have was an understanding. That we would work this out together. And, that he would love me, support me…no matter what.

Over the next few weeks, my thoughts and decisions vacillated. We all know what those options are…so I won’t elaborate.

And, then one day, I thought I had finally and ultimately made my decision. So, I called Marty, it was late, but never too late to call him, and said “I’ve decided. I’ll be over first thing in the morning.”

When I arrived I did all the talking. I was resolute and determined. In a way that only I could be. I told him that I decided that I was going to give the baby up for adoption. It was the best option. I wasn’t ready to be a mom, I wasn’t ready to be wife to a man I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted to marry and I wasn’t able to terminate the pregnancy—I couldn’t live with myself. And yes I truly felt that to my core, it wasn’t the years of catholic brainwashing. Adoption was the best option. I would carry this baby to term, give it to hopefully a good family and then I would go on with my life. It was the best and only alternative as far as I could see.

And, then after sitting there silent, listening to me, for what felt like an eternity. Marty said, “After you called last night, I kinda knew this was going to be your decision. So, I talked to Diane (his wife), and we decided, we can’t let that happen. This baby is a Somerville, our family, our blood, and we’ve lost so much already (referring to “our” parents”) to let that happen. We can’t let this baby be raised by some stranger. But, if that (adoption) is what you really want to do, then Diane and I are going to adopt the baby.”

Now to this day, I don’t know for certain if this indeed was what he had discussed with his wife or it was a split second reaction to my decision; but, I do know one thing for certain, that at that moment he had totally made his mind up and there was no going back. Marty was committed to raising my baby.

To be continued.

Really? Stalkers Suck!

Honestly. I'm amazed by the idiocy of people some time. I was recently sent a "love letter" from someone who obviously has no life and has spent way too much time and brain power thinking about what I should and shouldn't think. What I shouldn't or shouldn't feel. Or what I should or shouldn't feel grateful for. They called me an idiot more than once but in fact, they are the idiot. They were in my life a short while and barely knew me...but after they wrote me off as a "cold hearted nasty bitch"--their words--and then obviously, based on the content of their "love letter" spend hours researching me....this blog, my Facebook page, my LinkedIn profile, my divorce/ marriage records, property records and where I grew up and the friends I have. In the end, they concluded they had me all figured out. And, even took it upon themselves to offer me some advice. (one correction...no congrats in order...the stuff I wrote about finding out I was pregnant was 21 years ago!)

Okay I don't mean to pass judgment but until you've walked a mile in my shoes...well you just don't know me. My thoughts, actions, feelings and passions shape my reality--just like everyone else. I've had a tough life, a shitty childhood, experienced great loss (my father [before I was born], my grandparents, my step-father [to suicide], in many ways my mother, a baby I planned after Meg [only to learn after that, I could never have any more kids], and of course, Marty) and have seen and experienced things that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy and yes...they have scarred me for life, I have dealt with things that most people have been fortunate enough not to have had to deal with. But, make no mistake, I don't pretend to think for one second that I'm better than anyone. Or even think that I've had it harder than anyone else. Everyone has their own "pizza" (inside joke).

And I believe that is true for anyone. If your rich or poor, loved or abused, happy or miserable, we all have problems. And, regardless of the situation the are your problems. And, yes someone always has it worse than you. No matter how small or insignificant your problems may seem to someone else, on a daily basis, they are your problems and people are people and problems are problems.

It's all in how you deal with them. Am I perfect? God NO! I've made a TONS of mistakes. But, I've had a choice. I could blame everyone else for my problems and use that as an excuse and be a loser for the rest of my life....or deal with them...I choose to deal with them. And, I have no room in my life for people who are going to blame others or worse judge me for how I deal with mine Are my issues, still issues?...Hell yes! Does my ability to cope make me better than anyone. Hell NO! Does this make me a cold-hearted nasty bitch? Well yes....if you pass judgment on me.